Round in round taken by TGL

Dearest D.,

I thought of you yesterday. Which is hardly different from any other day as it is the rare day I get through without thinking of you on more than one occasion. However, as of late, I think of you with greater frequency than I usually might due to the fact this is the time of year we met two years ago and also, due to the fact that you will be celebrating your birthday in two weeks.

Anniversaries have never been easy for me. It’s interesting for the longest time I never knew that was the case. I was so emotionally shut down and disconnected from myself I wasn’t able to make the correlation between the feelings I was having and the resulting anxiety associated with them. So I would act out compulsively through seeking sex, alcohol consumption or spending money that I didn’t have. I would do anything to escape the feelings. Of course the irony being I wasn’t even aware of the underlying feelings or the cause of them.

These days I’m usually pretty good about being aware of the feelings and the anniversary of what event may be causing them. I may have a slip into old comforting behaviors. However, where I have growth in regard to this issue is that I’m able to identify the slip and recover more quickly than I used to be able.

It’s funny the Universe always seems to align circumstances just right so I can cross paths with the right person at the right time for whatever message is needed. I had such an experience on Saturday night. I ran out to R. & T.’s to celebrate R.’s birthday. R. invited a guy over (A.) who he’d met on Craiglist about a month ago to be part of the celebration.

As always seems to happen when a bunch of gay men get together, particularly when two of them are single, we began to talk about sex and relationships. A. shared several funny stories about his sexual adventures as of late as well as a bit about a couple of long-term relationships in which he’d been. And while he didn’t share any details about what they may behe mentioned that he’s a pattern person in regard to relationships.

I related all too well to A.’s statement about his relationships as I am a pattern person myself. And you were definitely a manifestation of a well ingrained pattern of mine. That is to say the propensity to get involved with guys who are unavailable in one way or another and typically abusive in one way or another too boot.

With you I certainly picked an exacta as you were both emotionally unavailable and manipulative/abusive. Or perhaps even a trifecta as you threw passive-aggressive behavior into the mix as well. The perfect combination for someone with my well developed pattern for latching onto emotionally stunted social retards. No wonder I fell for you like a ton of bricks anticipating gettin’ laid.

When I think back to so many of the things you said that were not only inappropriate but down right creepy and strange. I have to wonder why? Why did I allow myself to get sucked into your obvious dysfunction and open myself up to you more and more to the point that I fell in love with you? What is there about me that continues to seek out and enjoy such torturous relationships?

It’s funny, but not in a ha ha kind of way, as of late the Queen of Wands has been showing up with great frequency in my Tarot readings. What she’s representing is rather interesting. The Queen of Wands is all about magnetism (sexual and otherwise). She’s a reminder to not deny oneself pleasure and accomplishment. In other words, she encourages living in a way and engaging in relationships that are the polar opposite of what I experienced with you.

So what the Queen of Wands encourages me to do is to open myself to the possibility of (and to pursue) relationships with individuals who are healthy and whole. Guys with whom I can be myself without worry of judgment and enjoy sex without guilt and shame.  But instead I continue to go round and round with the circle game that I’ve played for so many years with myself.

Instead, I constantly think of you. How much I wanted (and continue to want) to be a part of your life. And even though you’d never acknowledge or probably even open it or read it, I want to make and send you another birthday card this year. I continue to think daily of your game playing and dishonesty and wonder why I would want to be involved with a guy who behaves in such a dysfunctional manner?

Today I listened to several back episodes of Polyamory Weekly as I’m trying to work my way through all the back catalog of the podcast and get current. In one episode, a guest explained that there are times we fall in love with people who are not good for us and we have to learn to accept it. Hearing that discussion could not have been more timely for me. You so obviously were not good for me; I need to accept that fact.

Accept that in some strange way the Universe was ensuring my best interest in engineering the blow up between us. Otherwise, I’d still be hanging around with you every weekend, trading several emails a day with you, and all the while clinging to the desperate hope you’d some day come to realize how perfect I’d be as your boyfriend.

Yeah right!

As always, sending you much love!

eg
theghotilover@gmail.com
www.theghotiletters.com
@EroGhoti