Kindness it's a good thing!

Dearest D.,

Yesterday was International Friendship/Forgiveness Day. I discovered this completely by happenstance through an email push I receive last Friday. This push is the result of my email address being mined from an ecard that was sent to me by a random guy I met on Craigslist a couple of years ago. While I was initially irritated when I began to receive the email pushes, due to the fact that I’d not given permission to the organization to send me such pushes, I have since come to appreciate the pushes as they often have relevant and useful information.

What struck me the most in this particular push was the discovery of the fact that August 7th is International Forgiveness Day. I was not aware of this. Of course, the irony of the recent realization of my continued struggle to forgive you coinciding with International Forgiveness Day a few weeks later was not lost on me.

As a result of getting the email push, I did a quick Google search for International Forgiveness Day 2011 and was lead to the web site for The Worldwide Forgiveness Alliance. On the index page for their website, there is a story of two individuals that not only caused my jaw to go slack but sent chills up my spine. It is the story of Matthew Boger and Tim Zaal.

In 1980 Matthew, in response to disclosing to his mother that he suspected he gay, was kicked out of his home and forced to live on the streets. During this time he was attacked by a group of skinheads for being gay and was left for dead. Several years later Matthew, after taking a position with the Museum of Tolerance in San Francisco, met Tim Zaal when the museum asked him to speak about his experience with abandoning the skinhead movement.  Prior to giving his speech Matthew queried his presenter about what it was like to be in the skinhead movement and how he got out.

The pair reminisced about West Hollywood and what it was like in the ’80s. During the conversation Zaal confessed there was a time in which he was living on the streets and used to hang out near a particular hamburger stand. However, he stopped hanging out at the hamburger stand shortly after beating up and leaving for dead a gay teenager one evening who happened to be hanging out with a group of other homeless teens near the hamburger joint. Tim also mentioned, he feared that he may have killed the kid and it haunted him for years afterward not knowing.

As Tim finished this story, a moment of silent knowing passed between them as each realized Matthew was the kid that Zaal nearly killed two decades before.

While the initial experience of meeting each other again proved to be more than each of them were able to handle in the moment. Out of that awkward situation came the opportunity for forgiveness, reconciliation, and redemption. As now Zaal and Boger tell their story—the unlikely friendship they formed after being reacquainted—to high school and middle school students around Southern California.

Talk about an amazing cosmic coincidence! I must confess there is a small part of me that is envious.

After reading the story I was reminded of a conversation I’d had with my friend J. earlier in the week. On Tuesday night, as is so often the case, I was once again kicked out of R.E.M. in the middle of the night either by a dream or the caterwauling of the air conditioner compressors on the roof. I’d been trying for weeks to reach J. in Israel. That evening I was in luck, after ringing her on Skype and thinking I’d left her a message, she called me back and as I answered the call I heard her silky voice with its amazing Philly accent say, “Girl! Was that you who rang my phone and didn’t leave a message?!”

Thrilled to hear her voice I chuckled and replied, “Yes. It was me who rang your phone. But I thought I left a message.”

“There was no message.” J. laughed back.

“That’s weird,” I replied, “I can’t see video of you either.”

“Oh girl! I just got up and I’m sitting here in my panties. There will be no video!” J. laughed ever harder.

“Honey! It’s three in the morning here. I’m sitting here in my panties as well!” I commiserated.

We spent the next hour cackling as she shared with me her adventures since leaving the good old US of A. These adventures include her success in getting a VA practice up and running as well a little bit about the new gentleman she’s begun to virtually date. Through the conversation as she was contrasting and comparing her relationship with her soon to be former husband (STBFH) and the new gentleman she shared a story with me that was all too familiar.

She had to assist her STBFH with his Visa as he’d slacked off and not made his appointment in the appropriate amount of time with the proper governing officials to ensure he’d get his new visa before his current one expired. While they were waiting in the office her STBFH looked at her and asked what she’d done to her hair. She explained what she’d done and he looked at her and said, “That’s the one thing I always loved about you is your hair.”

J. said as he said this she thought. You stupid ass! It would have been nice if you’d told me that you liked my hair. She went on to explain that while they were dating and after they’d married her STBFH never once paid her a compliment. That for the most part he was always critical of everything she did and never once encouraged her.

However, in contrast she told me the one thing that she’s been struck by with the gentleman she’s getting to know is how filled with kindness he is. And even if things should not go any further with them, she will always cherish the kindness he’s shown her.

I was floored as she told me this story and after I got off the computer, I began to think about you and I, what happened and the fact I allowed myself to become so unkind with you.

When we initially met, I felt nothing but kindness for you and did my best to express such. However, when it became clear to me that you were playing games and at times showed moments of lacking kindness with me, I allowed your behavior to affect mine. And rather than return your unkindness with kindness and express the fact that your behavior was unacceptable. I instead was unkind to you. And while I did so to make a point (which you obviously never got) there is a part of me that is somewhat disturbed by the fact that I became so unkind. As on some level that unkindness continues to affect me to this day. Which I believe in part is what makes it so difficult for me to forgive you.

And while there is a part of me that would love to believe that we both might have an opportunity to come to a place of forgiveness with each other as did Matthew Boger and Tim Zaal. However, I’m less than hopeful. But then again, who knows, perhaps the universe may surprise me yet.

As always sending you much love!