What lies underneath?
Dearest D.,
I was working at home yesterday and listening to Music Choice streaming on the ‘puter as I was working. While doing so, I heard a song that stirred from my subconscious a most familiar feeling. The feeling—a simultaneous melding of confusion, attraction, frustration and anger I felt with you while we were doing our little dysfunctional fandango. The song, “Underneath” by Laren Hildebrandt. As I was listening to the song, I nearly laughed out loud on several occasions as the lyrics of the song seemed to perfectly mirror my experience with you.
Through her perfectly crafted little pop ditty, Ms. Hildebrandt sings of her confusion with a gentleman she has met and with whom she’s become heavily infatuated. While on the surface he appears to be the perfect catch as he’s charming (and drives the car that she likes). She comes to suspect that there’s something somewhat amiss with the gentleman and that “it lies in his eyes” and that he may be playing games with her heart.
Sound familiar?
A favorite lyric, “He won’t even kiss me good-bye.” Been there done that.
She soon comes to realize that underneath the pretty packaging there’s nothing inside. Can you relate?
While I was listening to the song yesterday on Music Choice and several times thereafter on YouTube, I was struck with just how little of anything you presented about yourself to me as truth was in fact such. Like the gentleman about whom Ms. Hildebrandt sings—with you, underneath the pretty wrapper there was nothing inside.
When you were speaking with me, you spoke in such eloquent tones about taking care of yourself so as to be available to me. How you’d joined a naturist/nudist group to “work on your issues concerning body image”. Talked in terms of being environmentally and socially aware, it’s regretful you weren’t as nearly self-aware.
Ms. Hildebrandt sings.
“You tried to play me like I was your fool
It’s true I never knew love with you
How long would you have continued playing with my heart?”
And of course, like the gentleman of whom she sings you did try your best to play me like I was your fool. The funny thing is I pretty much figured out your game from the very beginning. However, the most vexing thing in regard to my own behavior (when I take the moment to examine it) is why I allowed myself to play the game with you for so long?
I guess if take moment and consider it at great length it had to do with ego attachment. The need to believe I had in some manner or ability the power to enlighten you or awaken you from your obvious somnambulistic state. Like anyone might really have such a power as first they’d have to break through the several-layered coat of veneer composed of bitterness, anger and resentment you wear with an obvious sense of misguided pride. Perhaps some day you may gain the slightest awareness of yourself that you assume yourself to already posses.
I had the most interesting experience the weekend past which has lead to a kind of ironic dichotomy in my mind in regard to you and the image you present(ed) versus your core personality. Again, that is to say the image of a self-assured, self-aware person you presented to me (and no doubt the any number gentlemen you’ve attempted to charm since you told me to get lost), and the insecure and emotionally-stunted individual beneath the self-created façade.
As I mentioned in my prior letter to you, I placed an ad on Craigslist last week in the “Misc. Romance” section seeking a connection with a guy of a more long-term basis rather than seeking my typical hook up. Roughly, I got a few more than a half a dozen responses (which surprised me). Ironically, a couple of them were from guys with whom I’d already either met or hooked up. One of whom I mentioned that reminds me a great deal of you. It turns out in more way than one as he’s been amazingly non-committal about getting together (but I digress).
However, I met a gentleman last Saturday who answered the advert and might best be described as a contradiction in terms. He’s a disabled Marine who’s served in several troubled spots around the globe for nearly 30 years. The last of which was a tour in Afghanistan that left him with a spinal column broken in 12 places from surviving the blast of a suicide bomber. The recovery from the blast being nearly two years spent in various hospitals recovering from the wounds and now in nearly constant pain as a result.
If anyone might have a right (if you will) to be angry and resentful it would be he as opposed to a spoiled, middle-class, suburbanite brat such as yourself who fancies himself a champion of social justice but hasn’t the balls to pull it off. However, the amazing part, he’s not angry or resentful. While he’s got the typical roughed edges from being a career Marine, he’s got the most amazing rebellious (but gentle and grounded) spirit of anyone I’ve met in quite a long time.
And due to living the life of a career leatherneck his body currently shows all the abuses. From the scar in the skin atop his skull (and the fracture beneath) to teeth missing from his jaws (nearly half of them shattered in the most recent blast survived). However, underneath the tattered wrapper beats a heart of gold with enough positive energy to light the City of Ember.
It’s funny in him the Universe has delivered pretty much what I requested in my advert. My call through cyberspace was for someone who’s between an aenigma and an avatar. And he is very much that.
So I have to wonder. Why do I feel so uneasy about the situation?
As always, sending you much love!
egtheghotilover@gmail.com
www.theghotiletters.com
@EroGhoti
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