Wading in Vain

Dearest J.,

Just sitting here in the office having lunch and I thought I’d rip off a quick letter to you. Boy howdy! The Mahi sandwich I got at Big Buns for lunch kicks some kind of serious a$$. I got it with pineapple and a sweet chili vinaigrette sauce. Holy mother of god, it’s like having a little bit of Hawaii and Texas doing the two-step on my taste buds presently. I typically get the portabella sandwich, which is good mind you, but sweet thing I do believe I have expired and am presently sharing a meal with St. Peter at the lunch counter laminated in a fetching pearly finish.  Sweet!

But I digress.

I got the strangest hit on the biddy biddy blog last nite/early this morning. At of all moments 00:04. Interesting number in that— zero plus four. Zero being the null set, the starting point and midnight the start of a new daily cycle. And four, the four sacred and cardinal directions (north, east, south, and west), the earth, work and stability. Which kind of fits with the daily Tarot reading I did yesterday morning that was all about transmutation, change, creativity and work. What message presently sends the Universe?

But again, I digress, sort of…

Whoever hit the site last night surfed in via the keyword search “echo to narcissus valentines letter” Rather an odd choice of keywords to search me thinks. Rather funny as when I do the keyword search myself at home a letter written to B. a few weeks back comes up Google page one, item number one.  When I do the same keyword search here at work it comes up Google page one, item number two with this article on suite101.com coming up first. It’s with that article I believe the Universe sends me the most intriguing message.

Robin Fowler the author of the article “Echo and Narcissus: Desperate Love Never Realized” relays an interpretation of the story I’d not yet found. The tale of two star crossed lovers whose love was never consummated due to unfortunate circumstances. According to this interpretation, rather than spurn Echo due to conceit. Narcissus instead rebuffed  Echo due to being annoyed by her repetitions of the last words of his spoken. In not having a complete understanding of the situation, he misinterpreted her intent. He believed her to be making fun of him. He rejected her due to his own feelings of being hurt. In other words, because of his pride not due to his conceit.

Finding this story could not be any more timely given I’m in the process of working through releasing the final vestiges of my feelings for MMRFRO. One of the things I used to constantly say to him in email was “Okay, I’ll stop being annoying now.” Which I’m sure in its own way is rather annoying. And while he would often say that he wasn’t feeling annoyed with/by me. The reason I’d say it is that often times it did truly feel as though I was annoying him due to his attitude and behavior toward me.

Though I knew him but a short time,  I believe I’m correct when I state that D. most likely finds everyone (and most everything for that matter) to be annoying. Therefore, I didn’t take it too personally when he behaved as though I was annoying him. I usually said it to him with the thought that maybe at some point he’d question the reason I continually said it and perhaps would have realized he was behaving in a manner of appearing to be annoyed. Of course, he never got the clue. Apparently, he was never a fan of Blue’s Clues.

As I mentioned in a previous letter to B., I also engaged in a behavior with D. that was similar to Echo’s mimicked words. I made the choice to mirror back to D. his behavior toward me in a like manner (well, maybe slightly over the top). So I have to wonder if there came a point for D., like Narcissus, that he became offended with my behavior and chose to view it as what would typically be derogatorily termed “being a psycho”.  I always find it interesting that people typically like to believe it to be the fault of the other person when things go south rather than examine their own behavior.

The other aspect of the E&N story I find fascinating in Ms. Fowler’s article is the supposition that their love was one that was desperate and to never be realized. Which would mean perhaps there are loves that are never to be realized. Perhaps two people can love each other but for whatever reason it’s not to be. By chance, despite his cruel way of saying good-bye in his statement of “what this might have been” per chance D. did care in some small way for me but couldn’t express it.  And perhaps for him to find someone who might care for him in the manner he expresses to desire might prove to be  “too much” as he found me to be.  Ergo a love that can never be realized, by him or anyone who might fall for him as the many who fell for Narcissus.

The other thing I chuckle at with the keyword phrase, “echo to narcissus valentines letter” is the fact that I’ve been thinking about sending D. a Valentine to include a rather lengthy letter.  But, given I spent nearly a hundred dollars on materials and 20 hours plus designing and making a birthday card for him which he never bothered to acknowledge. I can only think it would be a pointless proposition presently to make any kind of effort of such again. It’s truly time to let go and move on and consider my love for him to a be a desperate case of unrequited love.  According to legend and pop culture that is the most noble of all. Is it not? That’s probably yet another letter for yet another day.

Sending you much love!