L2CD12262011: Ebenezer’s Funny Uncle?

scrooges_funny_uncle

Nice hat!

Dearest Mr. Dickens,

I hope this finds you well and enjoying Boxing Day where ever it is that you find yourself these days. I have to tell you Charles—and I hope you don’t mind if I call you such—I feel a wee bit as though I may be the long lost funny uncle of your dearest misanthrope reformed, Ebenezer Scrooge. Why do I share this rather odd statement with you? It appears I’ve been visited by few cyber-ghosts over the Xmas holiday. However, I’ve yet to discern the nature of these spirits and whether they be clarions calling from the past, a key to the present, or portents of the future.

Given your expertise with such spectral anomalies perhaps you can shed a little light on the subject?

There have been a few rather odd and haunting hits via keyword searches to the biddy-biddy-blog over the past several days which have me wondering WTF? and if I might have a ghost protocol of my own brewing. Just hope I’m able to duck and cover before any semtex lurking under my ass is detonated.  But I digress.

It started on Friday evening at 18:46 with a cybernaut surfing onto the blog with the search term “brokeback mountain bondage”. A combination in itself that is rather unusual, however, it’s the associated quantum connections and context of deeper meaning to moi which makes the hit ever more curious. Let me see if I might engage my virtual protractor and slide rule to make the connections into a cohesive and meaningful narrative to you or anyone else possibly reading these ramblings.

On Friday I had lunch with a friend D., during lunch I shared with him the any number strange and perplexing circumstance that have plagued yours truly as of late. These circumstances ranging from being outted as Satan at work by a dead actress to the adventures resulting from one my latest adverts on Craigslist in my ongoing attempt to be a man-whore par excellence. Through this conversation I explained to D. about this blog and how I often engage in a hobby similar to trainspotting in that I track the hits to the blog their associated IP addresses and corresponding physical location in an attempt to make whatever connections may or may not have relevance to my life in the so called real world.  I like to think of it as sort of a global game of marco polo with the universe. It gives me endless hours of amusement and don’t have to worry about treading water in the deep end.

Okay, so back to the “brokeback mountain bondage” keyword search. That search term returned this letter written to J. in regard to my desire to explore bondage in the duel contexts of kink and an art project. In that letter, I mention the fact that MMRFRO made a set of mix-CDs for me to keep myself entertained on a drive to Maine for a vacation that I took shortly after he and I made our acquaintance. From where did this particular hit originate? Portland, ME. But the knot of quantum threads here gets even better as it appears the keyword search may have been done by the spirit of hookups past on the new MacBook Pro he got for Xmas.

Tho’ I was staying in Wells during that particular vacation with my parents, I decided to fish the waters in a smaller pond of strange and posted an advert on Craiglist in the hopes of finding a hook up (or two).  And a hookup I did find and it was stranger than most. Our meeting was initially dampened by the fact that I felt zero physical attraction to the gentleman upon meeting him. But rather than say, “Thanks but no thanks” and be on my way. I decided to make the best of the situation and see it through (as it were) as I was out of my mind horny by the time we met at our agreed rendezvous point.

The second troubling fact of the encounter is that the gentleman was obviously a wee bit tipsy as a result of the several cocktails he’d had with friends before we met up. Again, while I was not amused by this fact, I rolled with it. While he didn’t make me aware of his intention, he guided me (in my rental car) to a park nearby to where he was staying with friends. After winding our way down to parking lot and choosing a space that looked out onto a small bay, we sat a few minutes talking.

Suddenly he grabbed the lever for the passenger seat and plopped the seat into the horizontal recline position, looked at me and said, “Let’s make out.”

Somewhat startled, I looked back at him in slight horror and said, “Um no. There will be no making out in the car.”

He smiled somewhat glassy eyed and leered, “Com’on kiss me!”

“Ugh. No.” I again responded. “I am so not risking getting arrested in a park and having to call my parents to come bail me out of jail. Doesn’t the straight friend you’re staying with live nearby here?”

“Yes” he pouted. “Given that I met you on Craigslist I didn’t realize you’d be so piss proper.”

“Sorry to disappoint.” I responded. “I can drop you by there and be on my way.”

“No.” he said after considering this for a moment. “Let’s head over there. I think we can make it work.”

After snaking our way through the backstreets of the east end, finding a parking space, and winding our way up the back stairs of the condo of his friend, we were in the bedroom where he was staying in the short term.

“Wait here.” he cautioned, “I’ll be back in a moment.” A few moments later he popped his head back into the room to relay the fact that his friend would like for the two of us to hang out with him for a little while.

“Um. Okay.” I affirmed as I got up from the bed where I’d parked my ass in the short-term.

As we entered the living area of the apartment, I could see a young woman passed out face down on the dining room table. And sitting on the couch was a young man that can best be described as f*cking, smoking hot and stoned off his ass. As I slipped my behind on the couch next to the smoking hot, smoked up beauty that was already perched there he looked at me through narrow slits for eyes and said, “Man sorry about the girlfriend, she’s had a little too much to drink.”

“No worries here.” I smiled wide-eyed at the slice of beefcake sitting next to me.

We sat for an hour watching episodes of The Simpsons on DVD while discussing the history and current affairs of the state of Maine while my hookup continued to drink more and get toked up as well. The endless loop of Jesus how’d I love to f*ck the shit of the straight friend (and the associated visual imagery) that was playing in the back of my head was cut far too short when my hookup said that he was ready for bed. We bid the hot young child who I so dearly wanted to f*ck a good night and headed to my hookup’s temporary lair.

Long story short, I spent a hour giving him an extended back rub, worked my best to get him there which was followed with him promptly rolling over and beginning to snore without making so much as the smallest effort to attempt to get me there. After lying next to him for nearly 20 minutes thinking he might revive at any moment and at the very least attempt an offer of returning the favor, he didn’t.

As I slipped out of the bed and began to put on my clothes he awakened just enough to inquire as to where I was going. “I’m going back to Wells,” I sighed.

“You aren’t going to stay the night?” he asked.

“Uh no.” I grunted. “See ya!” quickly followed as I threw my bag over my shoulder and opened the door to the back porch. Fifteen minutes later I was on the Maine Turnpike heading south in the thickest pea soup of fog I’ve ever experienced in my life.

Okay dear Chaz, while there’s far more to tell with this tale, I’ve got other writing I need to tend to so I shall follow with another letter to you tomorrow.

‘Til then, I wish you well.

eg
ero.ghoti@theghotiletters.com
@theghotilover

L2J05032010: Hogget!

Hogtied!

Knotty, knotty boy...

Dearest J.,

I got a couple of interesting random hits to the biddy biddy blog today. It’s weird, it always seems after I post a letter to MMRFRO I always get hits with keyword combinations with tying as a theme. I can’t seem to figure out what message the Universe sends presently. Perhaps MMRFRO had a thing about being tied up and he was too ashamed to share it with me?

After all he once shared with me that he doesn’t think of people “that way”. Which I’ve come to discover is far from the truth, it’s possible there are any number ways he likes to get his freek on that he never shared with me. Kinda funny really when I think about it when I don’t see it as being fundamentally sad and rather pathetic.

He told me the most hilarious thing once in regard to rationalizing his passive-aggressive withholding behavior. He said, “I figure if someone wants to really know something they’ll keep asking questions about it until they get the answer.” What I didn’t have the presence of mind to say in the moment was, “Rationalize much?” but rather, most likely said, “Whatever!”

But I digress.

Today at 13:53 I got a hit from SoCal with the keyword search “tie me up tie me down”. And earlier in the day at 9:14, I got a hit from Oz with the keyword search “hog bound”. I continue to be somewhat flummoxed in regard to the message the Universe sends.  Maybe I need to be exploring those B&D fantasies that I’ve written about in the past. I wonder where I might find a willing vict… Erh, playmate?

Or perhaps the Universe sends a message to search for a deeper understanding in regard to being tied up and/or bound? I’m thinking my daily Tarot reading for today may hold a couple of clues to this mystery as well.

This morning I started out with the intention of using The Hermetic Tarot. However, I grabbed the wrong deck from the box in which I store a number of my decks and when I unwrapped it from its protective silk wrapping I discovered The Tarot of the Witches.

There are a couple of things that are interesting about this deck. One, it was the first tarot deck I purchased way back in 1976 as a teenager when it was initially published as a product tie-in to the James Bond movie, Live and Let Die. It’s a deck that was created by the Scottish artist Fergus Hall for the movie to be used by the character Solitaire. For the longest time it was the only deck I owned, along with two other decks that were given to me (The Aquarian Tarot and The Karma Tarot). I’ve always had a rather tenuous relationship with the deck. I never felt as tho’ I was able to get clear readings from it.

Until this morning, as it was quite accurate.

In the Attend to this (the important aspects of the day(s) ahead)” position I pulled the 7 of Swords card. The 7 of Swords card is about subterfuge and deception. It’s about being deceived by another or engaging in self-deception.

In the “Card for the day (personal issues that will require attention)” position I pulled the 3 of Swords. The 3 of Swords is about being wounded and carrying such wounds and the need to forgive ourselves and others for such wounds.

In theWhat to look out for (feelings, desires or reactions that could arise)” position I pulled the XX. Judgement card. The Judgement card is about liberation from old attitudes toward an individual or patterns of behavior that haven’t served one well and the ability to forgive oneself as well as others.

So how does this tie into all the hog tying?

As I’ve eluded to over the past couple of days in my letters, I continue to be bound to the pain I’ve carried for the past year and half since D. made the decision for the both of us that “perhaps it’s best we both let this go”. That’s rather ironic as he had made a statement prior in an email that one of the issues that lead to the break up between he and his ex was due to the fact that his ex “was making plans for both our lives.” Funny how people always seem to engage in the kind of behavior they find so abhorrent in others.

So as the Judgement card indicates, the next level of letting go as the ties unbind is to find a way to forgive D. for what happened. Find a way let go and realize that D. never felt any feelings for me whatsoever that he was merely playing cruel games with me for whatever reason.  But as Joan Bunning says about the 3 of Swords, it’s ”important to remember that each of us is capable of cruelty. We’re all human, and we all make mistakes, sometimes serious ones. In the end, all we can do is trust in the goodness of life and try to live up to that ideal.”

I pray I can find a way to get to that place.

Sending you much love!

eg
ero.ghoti@theghotiletters.com
@theghotilover

L2J04172010: Little by Little

If you really loved me...

It's the ties that bind.

Dearest J.,

Life has been crazy busy as of late. I’ve often thought of sitting down to draft you a letter. However, most days I find myself exhausted by the tedium of the daily responsibilities of not only keeping my own life in order, but also in keeping the condo association on track of which I’ve made the no doubt misguided agreement to maintain.

My Daily Tarot readings as of late have been providing me the constant reminder of the need to take care of myself and avoid exhaustion. It seems the time has arrived that I must heed those warnings as something really needs to give here if I am able to keep going.

Last week, I got what has been thus far the strangest hit to the biddy biddy blog. Someone surfed in with the keyword search “little boy hog tied”. A keyword search that is not only cryptic but also a tad bit creepy.

However, as I’ve mentioned before, given my life is for the most part an extended free association therapy session most of the time. There is a part of me that wishes to attempt to figure out what message the Universe sends me presently with such an odd keyword search combination.

Of course, there are several varying synchronicities associated with the hit. I will once again see if I can tie these together in a cohesive manner and create a narrative that makes sense to others. Rather than continuing to be manic thoughts pinging through my brain expressed in binary-based form that merely make sense to me and quite possibly sound like the ravings of a common lunatic to others.

With a little luck I’ll be successful.

The most obvious of the synchronicities is the fact I wrote a letter to you twelve days ago about the subject of bondage in regard to my desire to explore it, possibly in varying different degrees and contexts. Since writing that letter there have been, of course as there always are, several experiences including the aforementioned keyword search, that have caused me to consider the subject of bondage at varying distinct levelsphysical/sexual, mental/emotional, and esoteric/spiritual.

Where to begin?

Perhaps with an email from my li’l sis last week of she expressing her concerns with my blogging activities. You see, and while I’ll spare you the details, my initial foray into blogging/podcasting is what precipitated my admittance into and brief incarceration in the bunker.

C. sent me an email at the end of last week expressing concern that my continued writing about and focusing upon MMRFRO might be doing me more harm than good. I responded with a quick note begging her to waste no additional worry and expanded my previous explanation of the blog to include the entire scope and intent of the activity given my brief explanation most likely fell short when we spoke at Easter. And further explained that I was in agreement with her assessment that continuing to focus on D.’s typically male and cowardly behavior had limited value as subject matter of the blog or in my continued efforts to let go of him and exorcise his ghost. I mentioned that I’m toying with the idea of transforming him to be more of a character or archetype in the blog to whom I write letters about my hopes and wishes in regard to romantic relationships rather than use the letters as an opportunity to dump into the ethers.

In other words, to free myself from the continued bondage of thoughts, memories and energetic connections associated with him.

Along those lines, I have been working with a Dzogchen practice to assist me in breaking the energetic ties with D. and several other individuals with whom I need to deal as of late, as D. himself would say. I began last week with the practice of Vajrakilaya. As I mentioned in a previous letter, I purchased a sweet 13” bronze Phurba a couple of weeks ago from a Tibetan gentleman who is the proprietor of Tibetan goods in the area.

I’m having many interesting results.

The first being, as is so often the case, as I’ve been working with the practice and attempting to cut the energetic ties to the individuals and the situations. It seems the Universe presents more and more situations with these individuals in which I need to put the Vajrakilaya practice into action so to speak. That is to say as situations escalate in regard to my needing to set boundaries and push back with individuals presently proving to be problematic when interacting with them. It’s necessary for me to rely on an inner reserve of fierceness as my friend M. would say.

The other interesting thing is when I was at my friend M.’s home for meditation the other night a fellow student shared an interesting observation. She said during the portion of the meditation we were calling in the Archetypical Realm she saw the face of a rather malevolent deity in front of her. The face she described sounded exactly like the images I’ve seen of Vajrakilaya.

As I shared shortly thereafter, I joked at how much I marveled at how this whole meditation and light work stuff works. That I’ve been working with a heruka to clear the space in my life and community and as result I’m carrying that energy around meso much so, a fellow student picked up on it.

Okay. I need to wrap this up. It’s just after noon and I need to get to cleaning the apartment as I’m supposed to have someone dropping by for a massage later. I’ve yet to hear from him confirming such tho’. I hope he doesn’t bag on me as he’s got amazing energy and it would do me good to share the moment of mutual well-being with him today.

Sending you much love!

eg
ero.ghoti@theghotiletters.com
@theghotilover

L2J04042010: Tie One On

Make ME UR Love Doll

Make Me UR Love Doll!

Dearest J.,

I’ve been getting the weirdest hits to the biddy biddy blog as of late. Okay. These hits probably aren’t as weird as “bally spandex pentagon row”, however, unusual just the same. All of these hits have had tying as a theme. They have been as follows.

“hog tie”
“how to tie up a girl”
“lettered tie”
“tie me up”
“hog tied”
“tie me down”
“girls tying up men”

That’s a lot of tying.

As I mentioned in a letter to you before, I have been curious about exploring B&D and have to wonder if the message the Universe sends me presently is that I need to consider turning the idea into action.

The other night as I was lying in bed trying to get to sleep, before I decided to get up and pound out a letter to MMRFRO, I was thinking about this idea. That it is that idea of exploring bondage. As this letter is the one I was writing just before I went to bed the other night. At least the letter I was writing before I got distracted with trolling through D.’s Flickr page. I still don’t know what happened with that, as I swore to myself that I was going to stop doing such.

However, like a moth to the flame, I can’t resist the delicious pain from the burn I receive with such activity.

I think what happened is I went to Flickr to search for a photo to go with this letter. Something with  bondage or hog tying as a theme. Then the next thing I knew, I was working my way through page after endless page of MMRFRO’s Flickr favorites. Photos of boys, boys, and more boys. Naked boys, half-naked boys. Boys naked inside, boys naked outside. Boys naked alone, boys naked with other boys. Are you detecting a theme?

Shortly after he introduced himself to me, MMRFRO made me a double mix-CD set. On it he included a few songs from the sound track of Brokeback Mountain. When I asked him about his choice to include the songs he claimed it was not so much the movie itself that resonated with him as he didn’t think it was all that great a movie, but more what it represented.

It took all the self-control for me not to exclaim, “Like duh!” I have to wonder what all the photos of the naked and half naked boys with their penises partially exposed, fully exposed, half erect, fully erect—what do all of these mean to him? Is it not so much the penises themselves that resonate with him but perchance what they represent? And what might that be? Perhaps some day should he forgive me and speak to me again, I can ask him and gain a greater understanding into this mystery.

But I digress…so, back to the theme of tying in all of its forms.

I am thinking that I’d like to explore kink a bit these days and possibly explore bondage as part of said kink. Which is rather interesting for me as I’ve always joked that I don’t get the whole leather/kink thing as there are way too many props involved. Also, I don’t see the point of getting naked to put a whole bunch of crap back on to have sex.

However…

As I’ve mentioned to friends, but I don’t think that I’ve discussed in any letters written, I think the main reason that I’m interested in exploring bondage (as a top) is the control aspect of it. And now I must say to myself, “Like duh!”. I’m thinking exploring Dom/Sub kink might be a way for me to work through some areas and manifestations of my shadow-self much needing work as of late as they‘re slightly out of control presently.

Due to being in a position of authority with the condo these days and having to be assertive (and at times overbearing) due to needing to deal with difficult situations and difficult personalities. It’s beginning to bleed over into other areas of my life. And not always in a good way. I find this to be a particular challenge in the area of romance.

I find there are times that I’m a little too quick to become somewhat lacking in patience and understanding in romantic/dating situations. And I can quickly turn into an overbearing freek at moments. I really need to find a way to temper this energy.

As I was driving to my mother’s yesterday, I got to thinking about this more. I think as a place to start. I’d like to begin to photograph people in bondage gear. Tied up with rope or bound with restraints of differing types and materials. Starting specifically with hog tying and working into other kinds of bondage and equipment.

I’m just not sure how to approach this and where to find individuals willing to be bound and photographed. Of course, my first thought is Craigslist as the random element could be most interest. Which I’m open to such an idea. But, I’m not sure that would be the best avenue. I would imagine there is a rather sizable B&D community in the Washington Metro area both hetero and homo. So I should have little issue with finding individuals who would be willing to partake in the activity. Particularly those who are exhibitionists.

Meanwhile, in the larger context of being bound or rather the need to be unbound. M. came over for breakfast this morning and we did some work around this issue. On Friday, I ran a quick errand at lunch and visited a Tibetan Shop in nearby McLean. I picked up the sweetest metal Phurba. M. helped me do a ritual to cut energy cords after we finished with breakfast. It was done with the specific intent of cutting and freeing the remaining energetic connections between me and D. When we finished with the ceremony I half-jokingly said to M., “I can feel this baby humming in my hands.” It does however seriously give off some amazing energy.

After M. left and while the potatoes I made for Easter dinner were baking this afternoon. I headed over to a park nearby the apartment and did a quick ritual to release the energy from the Phurba back into the earth to disperse it. I hope it doesn’t kill the grass in that area…as there was no doubt some pretty wicked juju trapped in the dagger.

Okay, I need to wrap this one up and get into bed.

Sending you much love!

eg
ero.ghoti@theghotiletters.com
@theghotilover