Double U....Twice as nice.

My Dearest Friend,

The news of your leaving us came by way of a phone call to you on Thursday to check in on you and see if perhaps you’d be up for your weekly massage the following evening. I mistook the stranger’s voice that answered the phone for yours and greeted him with my usual enthusiastic, “Mr. O!”

The voice answered, “I’m sorry this is D.”.

“Hey D.!” I replied, “Is W. there by chance?”

“I’m sorry.” D. replied in a rather somber tone, “W. passed away early this morning.”

“Oh my god.” I answered, “I’m so sorry.”

“Yes.” D. continued “As you know he took a turn for the worst recently and he died earlier today.”

“Please let me know if there’s anything I can do.” I offered, “I’m a friend of W.’s and only live two miles away.”

“Thank you.” said D., “I’m W.’s brother-in-law. Me and his sister are up here for the day taking care of arrangements and will be leaving late this evening to return to North Carolina. However, we will be back up at the end of the month.”

“Yes. W. mentioned his sister often.” I replied. “Please let me give you my contact information. And let me know when you return.”

“Let me grab a pen and paper.” said D.

I gave him my phone number and email address and he assured me he would be in touch when he and your sister return to the area later this month. As I hung up the phone, I was filled with such an odd mix of emotions.

Initially there was the shock that you are gone and I will never see you again. That I will never again have the opportunity hear your voice, or share a meal with you and laugh while sharing the stories of all of my crazy adventures. The realization I have lost the one friend who had the courage to call me on my shit while at the same time loving me unconditionally despite my many imperfections and character defects and never walked away in the process.

I will miss you.

As the initial shock has worn off and I’ve begun to consider this loss and I’ve come to realize what I will miss about you most is the spiritual connection you and I shared. I have little doubt the reason we were drawn together that fate-filled evening almost three years ago to the day is due to our similar paths of spiritual development. You had often mentioned that you were new to game of all things woo woo. However, from what I observed you more than made up for it as your level of understanding of spiritual concepts and the practice you were able to create for yourself was nothing short of amazing.

One of the spiritual practices we shared was that of shamanism.

While we took differing paths and approaches, you being the consumate engineer decided to formally study with a disciple of Alberto Villoldo and me being the stereotypical free spirit I’ve learned what I know from personal experience and books I’ve read. Neither being better just different.

During one of the last conversations about such things, I had wanted to share a story with you in regard to a lesson I’d learned from some critters that had shown up in my apartment. However due to making the assumption the tale I was about to tell was in some way negative, you cut me off and wouldn’t let me finish it. I’d like to finish the story now.

There was a night about two months ago; I was having my far too typical difficult time sleeping. Rather than lie in bed and toss and turn as I might usually do I decided to get up and make some chamomile tea. When I arrived in the kitchen I discovered ants were invading from the ground floor. While at first I was highly irritated at the discovery, after I considered it for a moment and realized the ants obviously showed up to give me a message.

As I watched them scurrying to and fro, I realized they must have been highly motivated to travel four stories in search of food. Given I’d never had this experience before the debacle of a roofing project undertaken by the lunatic former prez, I came to realize they were providing me affirmation of my suspicion that there is a serious issue with my condo building.

Becoming every more intrigued with the ants over the next couple of days, I did a quick Google search one day as to what their totemic meaning might be and here’s what I found.

Ants are the ultimate laborers. They live in a communal colony, sharing menial tasks and food sources. Underneath the ant hill that we see on our lawns and gardens is an elaborate living quarters. Ants as totems teach the value of work and getting along with others. They also teach the importance of community as a unit. Ants live within a caste system, a queen ant, mates for the queen, guards to protect the queen, and laborers. When ant appears you may need to evaluate the role you are playing in your current life situation. We can’t all be queens. Laborers do have value! Team work offers rewards. However, if you feel you are enslaved by circumstance ant totem showing up could mean that it is time to break away from current associations with others and take a solitary path for awhile.¹

What those little ants were attempting to communicate to me more than anything is that it’s time for a change. As you’re well aware from all of the conversations we shared about it. I continue to struggle with how to handle the situation with my condo. However through the assistance of the ants, I’ve decided it’s time to let this place go and move on (quite literally). It’s time to seek a community where, like the ants, there is a sense of purpose of working together to make things better for everyone. As I’ve come to realized such a thing will never be found here.

For this I feel sad.

Dear friend, I pray you made your journey well. How I wish you might tell me about your adventure. And who knows, perhaps yet you may.

Sending you much love!

Funboy:
You are seriously f*cked up.
Would you look in the mirror?
I mean, you need professional help!
-from The Crow

Dearest B.,

It looks like I need to bake up a big old pie with crow filling and cut myself off a slice and consume it with and huge mug of hot steaming STFU. I made a snarky comment the other day in a letter to J. about MMRFRO not having the courage to post photos of his own in his flickr account.

Now I feel really bad. Like a major a$$hole. As he does have a few vacation photos posted. A couple of which illustrate what great eye he has and the promise he shows as a photographer if he’d pursue it. However, I understand completely whatever fears and insecurities might hold him back, as I suffer from the same myself.

As I sit in this moment, and I consider the snarky statement written (due to residual anger). It brings up the memory of a moment at dinner with my friend K. about this time last year when I was trying to come to terms with my feelings for D. and his lack of being honest and forthright with me concerning his.

I had just finished a 15 minute diatribe of everything he’d done and not done, how he was emotionally jacking me around, blah, blah blah. K. looked me square in the eye and said, “I’m not really feeling a whole lot of love here. You claim that you think that you love this guy. But, I’m not hearing it.”

“What?!” I said as I looked back at her incredulously, “Then what are you hearing?”

“A great deal of hate.” she said slightly wincing, “Is there anything you really like about this guy?”

“Oh my god,” I replied. “Do I really sound that bad?”

“Uh, yeah!” she said.

We sat in silence for a moment. I then looked into her eyes and said, “There are a great number of things I find very attractive and appreciate about D.”

“Then what are they?” she asked.

I told her I found him very attractive physically but beyond that there was much more. He was smart, funny, and creative. He was reliable and for the most part seemed to be a grounded individual. He didn’t drink or do drugs. He was atypical and quirky and given I myself am that way it felt as though we were kindred spirits in a way as a result.

And she then said, “But…”

“Yeah, I know.” I replied.

She then asked me if I would be able to deal with all of his shortcomings (and mine as well) that were contributing to the impasse and attempt to work through them even though it might possibly destroy the developing friendship as a result. I told her that I thought I might be as I could longer live with the way things were at that particular moment.

So shortly thereafter, I began to push D. ever harder for him to “get honest” with me. Which of course is something he wasn’t able to do; and yes, I’m firmly aware of the fact that’s it’s his inability to be honest with himself which was the cause of that.

As I was running around this morning getting a few last things in preparation for being home-bound this weekend due to the weather, I began to consider what it is that continues to bother me in regard to what happened with D. and why I continue to hold onto such anger.

Of course, there’s the obvioushe hurt me. Therefore, I’m angry. But, I think what bothers me the most is the pretense. It’s the fact that he was so amazingly pretentious with me (and with others no doubt). Probably the reason it irks me so much is that fact that I used be quite pretentious my self. Now, I’m only kinda pretentious. Ha!

How does that old Al-Anon saying go? We’re always most bothered by characteristics in others that remind us of ourselves. How true that can be for me most of the time.

So it would seem I owe D. an apology. It appears he has more courage than for which I gave him credit. There were probably many more moments in the past that were quite similar to this. Moments I could have been better with recognizing and acknowledging his courage to him and/or the lack of mine in such moments.

I’ve thought of making and sending him a Valentine. However, I realize it would be a pointless exercise and further wasted energy.

Well, it looks like the snow has arrived. It’s going to make the next 48 hours very interesting no doubt. I’m hoping to work on the planned self-portrait this weekend and get some other photos ready to upload to flickr. Plus delve into some Tarot-related stuff. And work on some web design projects needing my attention.

Sending you much love!

I received your email sent Saturday night/Sunday morning with the subject heading “whatever this is or was or could have been — I can not be party to it any longer”. And I too wonder what could have been between you and me. However, neither one of us will be able to discover such given you’ve chosen cowardice over courage and would rather believe yourself a victim of circumstance and take the path of aversion as opposed to communicating openly and honestly with me to resolved the current conflict in which we find ourselves. Which has lead to you slink away in the midnight hour. Frankly, am I surprised by this behavior? Not really. However what I do find most ironic is the pretentious statement you once made of you considering friends to be of the upmost importance to you. Even more so than family given you are not close to your family. Your current behavior certainly belies such a statement.

I too wonder what might have been had you been forthcoming with me in regard to your anxiety, fears, and insecurities when I expressed to you a desire to establish a dating relationship over the past several months. However, instead you’ve spoke to me in Seinfeldesque pop culture platitudes such as “It’s not you it’s me.” and “I’m not in a place to be dating right now.” The latter statement I found rather curious give a personal ad you’ve had up on Yahoo! over the past several months states you are seeking a “great partner” and to “possibly” find a “significant other”. Perhaps had you taken a moment to consider your statements made in that ad you might have understood why I found it difficult to accept your assertion you were “not in a place to be dating” and would not have felt the need to communicate such obvious obfuscation to me.

You’ve expressed that you “continually feel judged, attacked, poked & prodded.” While I can agree with the latter two in regard to my behavior, I have wonder if you were to take a moment to examine your behavior toward me over the past several months what you might discover. Perhaps you might discover attitudes and actions which have been far more punitive rather than kind, compassionate and nurturing. Yet another stark irony given you express in your personal ad you’re seeking activities with another that provide nurturance and sustenance. There is a well known spiritual axiom which states one must give what they wish to receive.

You state, “…in the end I do not feel ‘good’ when it comes to trying to dealing with you.” Given this is the second time you’ve used the expression “to deal” in regard to whatever relationship there may have been between the two of us. Is that honestly how you approach relationships? Are they something with which you have to “deal” regularly? Given you’ve expressed in your personal ad that you wish to find a “great partner” do you think such an individual would wish to be viewed as yet another thing with which to be dealt? Perhaps it’s just me, however, I would most guys would rather his partner view him as someone he wishes to spent time with rather than being another “chore”.

I wonder what could have been had you not concluded that, “I think it’s best for us to let this go.”  I marvel at such a statement given you once expressed to me that you’ve attempted to refrain from being controlling in whatever this has been between you and me over the past several months. It’s ironic that several months ago you claimed to have done your best to not be controlling. And yet expressed to me at the same time that you at moments were attempting to manage my expectations and engender and more cooperative attitude on my part. Again, it may just be me, however, I think those behaviors most likely qualify as being controlling. And now you’ve decided for the both of us that it’s best we let this (whatever “this” has been) go. The control thing, it’s a tough one. Good luck with it.

It’s nice to read, “I wish you more than well & hope you can leave this all be with me as of this writing.” However, I will tell you quite frankly and honestly given the intense MF you’ve perpetrated upon me (either with or without intent) it’s highly unlikely I’ll be able to “leave this all be” for quite a while.

May you be well.

TGL