Thanks for the gifts!

Dearest D.,

Today is Boxing Day, a celebration of gifts and giving. The day itself is an apt metaphor for the thoughts and feelings that have been streaming through my consciousness in regard to you over the past several days. As you see, it’s once again the time of year that I design my New Year’s card and I once again find myself caught in the trap of considering whether or not to send you a card.

As I’ve churned the idea over and over in my mind, as well as the number of things I wish to express in a letter to be included with the card, I’m left with an uncanny mix of disparate feelings. Given I continue to feel a certain amount of hurt with regard to what happened between the two of us. There is a part of me that, of course, wants to strike out in a passive aggressive snarky manner and point out the inconsistencies in everything you said versus your behavior. However, I know such an approach would be as pointless and it would be a wasted effort of energy.

I say this due to the fact that you have any number of filters in place that would not only reject what I might say, but would also most likely use such an effort as an opportunity to continue to view your self as a victim of life and circumstances. While I would love to believe I might find a way to circumvent those filters and reach within you in such a way that you might understand the depth of meaning as to the message I wish to deliver. I realize you are in no way, shape, or form ready to hear any such message. Unless of course you’ve had some kind of profound transformative experience in the last couple of years, however the few random snippets of your writing I’ve found on the interwebs would indicated a situation quite to the contrary.

More than anything, it appears you continue to be as pompous, pretentious and criticizing as when you were speaking with me. However, that’s not a big surprise. Because as G., a gentleman with whom I have discussed you and the fact you share with me the family tradition of being an Adult Child of an Alcoholic (albeit you being a very unrecovered one) once said,

“Scary shit. I see it as the struggle with the darkside, either you shake it off your shoulders and move on to a more spiritual plane. Or it’ll drag one to the jumping off place clouded in dark vapors that allow one to think there is still some semblance of control. Unfortunately it is in [the perceived] control that the insanity keeps the sufferer in a state of unresponsive submittal till the end.”

I have little doubt you will be one of the many who suffers with the effects of the disease of alcoholism until the very end of your life. Again, unless you have a very profound and stark awakening before then, however, I’m not hopeful in that regard. As negative and depressing as that may sound, but that is the reality for most folks as it’s a very small minority who ever seeks recovery to heal from the abuse of his or her past. I will be eternally grateful for the fact that I found my way into recovery through the circumstance of a bad break up. I am extremely lucky that I experienced what is called a high bottom.

As I have sat over the past several days and considered whether to send you a New Year’s card (and letter), I’ve worked very hard to shift my perception and view my experience with you through a lens of gratitude. While it’s been difficult at moments, I have come to realize there are many things for which I am grateful that are a direct result from having met you and experiencing the rather difficult moments that were a part of it.

Mostly I am grateful for the fact that you’ve have become a muse. My brief encounter with you ignited within me a creative fire that continues to burn. I have, since meeting you two years ago, been inspired to explore photography again. And as a result have been shooting more in the past year than I have in prior years. Also, I have been inspired to write again as a result of the feelings of a love for life and all of its wondrous experiences that resulted from meeting you and a new found desire to share them with Universe.

I am grateful the pain that resulted from your punitive and condescending dismissal pushed me to my emotional and spiritual limits and precipitated a recapitulation to my spiritual practice and ignited the desire to reach a deeper understanding of myself and my self-created limitations in every area of my life. I learn more and more each day about myself. And with each day I get closer to returning to a place of fearlessness, quietude, and unconditional love that found within my self in my early 30s.

I am grateful for your efforts to make me feel insignificant and to blame for what happened that was part of your dismissal. Those efforts caused me to question my self-worth and motivations and in doing such I have come to realize you were wrong. I am not insignificant nor am I to blame for anything. That there is nothing I might have said or done that would have prevented the road blocks you continually erected. You were (and no doubt continue to be) an emotionally shut down and fearful individual.

I am grateful for the fact that you compromised my trust and left me feeling as though I may not be able to trust any guys in the future. As a result, I’ve need to work my way back to the understanding that I can indeed trust anyone upon first meeting them. And realize when they compromise my trust I can call them on it. And if they’re willing to own up to whatever has caused the situation and work on re-establishing trust. Great! However, if they instead try to engage in denial or blame me for the breach of trust, then I say AMF and articulate clearly why I’m saying good-bye. No drama, no regrets.

So I thank you D. I thank you for the many gifts you’ve given me. It is my hope that I’ll be able to articulate such should I decide to send you a New Year’s card.  Did you have a Merry Christmas? Mine was fabulous!

As always, sending you much love!