Honesty is such a lonely word.
Everyone is so untrue.
Honesty is hardly ever heard.
And mostly what I need[ed] from you.

From Honesty by Billy Joel

Dearest D.,

I hope this finds you safe and faring well through all the Snowmageddon madness and hassles. I’ve thought about you often and wondered about your well-being. Other than the daily freekout of watching to see if anything is going to fall over or fall off our buildings here at the condo. I’ve been getting through this quite well otherwise. Spring cannot get here fast enough.

It’s interesting as once again life is presenting an opportunity for me to see myself mirrored back. You see, I had my first date with J. on Saturday. J. is a gentleman who I met through CL. He answered a rather salacious ad I placed several weeks ago. We’d not been able to see each other due to the back to back snow storms we had over the past few weeks. But he braved the elements this past weekend, made the hour trek to and fro and we went to dinner and hung out in my apartment for a little while thereafter.

While I enjoyed spending the time with him, there certainly was not the immediate bonk on the head with the mallet and pink hearts circling around in a halo that I felt when first laying eyes upon you.

And now the hunter has become the game as I get the distinct feeling he would like more to develop between the two of us. This is something I’m not sure I’m open to exploring presently due to a great number of things he has going on in his life. What he needs more than anything to do right now is concentrate on getting to know himself better and work on his relationship with himself. I think for him to get involved with anyone right now would be a distraction. One he really doesn’t need presently.

He and I have talked a little bit since Saturday about where we are and what we’re looking for at the moment. I’ve also been very clear with him about my situation with you and the fact that I continue to hold onto you on some (most likely several) level(s). I told him anyone with whom I get involved would have to be willing to live with your ghost for a little while as I continue to work on letting go. I told him that I knew you had a ghost who continues to haunt you and that I was more than willing to have the ghost sleep between the two of us for awhile. But the sad thing was that you weren’t willing to let me sleep between you and your ghost.

So now he pursues and I am the pursued. It feels so weird to be on the other side of the looking glass as I’ve been the one pursuing for a while. I can’t say that it feels entirely uncomfortable. But it doesn’t feel entirely comfortable either.

It’s curious to find myself in a situation in which I’m forced into living my truth so to speak. Put in a situation in which I must be open and honest with another person and tell him how I feel. Even if it’s a feeling of indifference, however, maybe it’s good for me to learn that I too can feel indifferent about someone. And maybe that’s part of the lesson to be learned here. And of course, the tough part is that I wouldn’t want someone to feel indifferent about me. Therefore it’s rather difficult to imagine having to say to him, “Honestly, I just kind of feel indifferent about you.”  I wouldn’t be so blunt.

However, I think it’s important that I not be ambiguous with him.

Of course, all of this pushes my buttons in regard to wondering if I want to be in a relationship at all. I’m not sure I’m once again at a point to risk opening up with someone at the level that is necessary to be in a relationship. When I met you I was. Now I’m not so sure.

I’m supposed to get together with C. this weekend and go to Spa World and a little sumthin’ sumthin’ afterwards. I look forward to seeing him.

I think I’m going to keep this one short as I’m bushed.

Sending you much love!