Shoot me now! Shoot me now!

Dearest St. Rita,

I had the most profound of experiences the other day in of all places most least likely to precipitate such a moment seemingly—the grocery store. When I left my apartment mid-day Saturday I had little notion I would share a moment with a gentleman there that would linger with me for days to come.

To say that I abhor grocery shopping would be an understatement. It’s grown in the past several years to be one of my least favorite tasks needing to be done. It has become so onerous to me that I usually avoid it all costs and often will pick up a few things here and there as needed. And when I get stuck wanting or needing something in particular, I’ll pick it up at the bodega at the end of the block or the 7-11 a block and a half from the apartment.

There was a time I very much enjoyed food shopping. I’m not sure when or why it suddenly became such a beastly burden to me. However, this past Saturday I was looking forward to the adventure as it was my first major food shopping trip since purchasing the RAV4. So, I was looking forward to having tons of room to carry my bags home without trying to get everything to fit into front seat with me as I used to have to do with the truck.

The shopping itself wasn’t too difficult as it’s now mid-summer here and most folks either go to the beach over the weekends or have left the area completely for as week or more for summer vacation given most kids are out of school. I often joke with friends that it’s my most favorite and yet least favorite time of year here. It’s my most favorite due to the fact that from about mid-July through the end of August DC is a ghost town. And it’s my least favorite as I’ve truly grown to hate the hot and humid weather evermore than when I was a child.

As I approached the checkout lanes one in particular appeared to be the lesser of all evils. There were two women already queued up and by looking at amount of merchandise remaining on the conveyor belt it appeared it shouldn’t take too long. So in moment of dynamism and daring choice I parked my shopping cart at the end of the lane and awaited the first opportunity to begin offloading my cargo.

Only seconds of docking, I began to doubt my choice. The woman at the front of the line kept yammering on about every little thing the clerk was ringing up and he being the friendly sort engaged in conversation about each item. Com’on, I thought as I gritted my teeth, some of us would like to get out of here today!  After what seemed an eternity, the belt began to move and I started to stage my purchases for scanning.

No sooner had I begun this process when it came to a screeching halt due to the young woman who was next in line needing a pen to fill out the application for a customer loyalty card. Jesus Christ! my mind snapped in silence, I’m going to be here all friggen day! I let out a heavy sigh, grabbed the Droid X out of my bag, opened up a book in the Kindle app about healing with color and began to read so as not to waste the precious seconds of my day being robbed of me before my eyes.

Approximately five minutes later the clerk returned with a pen for the young woman and began to check her out. He was appearing to move rather slowly and I once again became irritated and thought to myself, dude this is not that difficult, let’s move it along here. A few moments later, I had finished offloading all my goods and moved up to the payment terminal to swipe my ATM card and enter my PIN.

“How you doing today?” the gentleman asked with genuine warmth.

“I’m doing okay.” I smiled. “And you?” I inquired as I swiped my card and began to enter my PIN.

“Well, I had such a bad headache last night when I left here. I ended up in the ER.” he replied.

“Ummm. That doesn’t sound good.” I offered feeling somewhat unsure as to why a complete stranger would share such a personal detail with someone he doesn’t know.

“Yeah. My blood pressure was 160/130 when they took it.” he said.

“Oh. That doesn’t sound like a good number.” I replied with a quizzical look.

“Yeah, I ran out of my blood pressure medication and hadn’t taken it for three days.” he explained. “The VA didn’t get it to me in time and I wasn’t able to get it at the local CVS in the short-term. It’s happened before.”

“That’s not good.” I offered. “That puts you at risk of a heart attack.”

“Oh,  I’ve already had a couple of heart attacks.” he explained further.

“Really?” I asked.

“Oh yeah. The second one I saw my mother who died when I was fourteen.” he replied.

“Wow!” I responded, “However, that’s quite common with such experiences.”

“And I saw myself on table as they were trying to resuscitate me.” he continued.

“Ummm. You had an out of body experience. Those too are quite common with folks who have had a near death experience.” I nodded. “That must have been a rather profound experience for you.”

“I was out for 6 minutes which at that time was rare. So they called in the resident psychologist to talk to me.” he said. “And she told me. I know what happened to you ‘cause I’m a Christian as well. You had a near death experience and you came back for a reason.” he said as he handed me my last bag of groceries.

“Wow. That’s amazing.” I replied as I grabbed the bag from him and placed it in the cart.

“Yeah. If there’s anything I know now that I didn’t know before it’s something happens to us when we die and that means we have to live right while we’re here.” he said with a gleam in his eye.

“I couldn’t agree with you more.” I said as I began to push my cart.

“Need any help outside?” he asked.

“No I’m good.” I said as I headed toward the door. “Keep on the VA to get you that blood pressure medicine!”

“I will.” he chuckled, “You have a good one!”

Moments later when I was home and putting my groceries away in the cupboards and refrigerator I thought to myself,  you are such a putz, you really need to stop letting all of the stupid little crazy-making things in a day affect you.

I’m doing my best. Perhaps you can help me a little here dear Rita?

Sending you much love!

Funboy:
You are seriously f*cked up.
Would you look in the mirror?
I mean, you need professional help!
-from The Crow

Dearest B.,

It looks like I need to bake up a big old pie with crow filling and cut myself off a slice and consume it with and huge mug of hot steaming STFU. I made a snarky comment the other day in a letter to J. about MMRFRO not having the courage to post photos of his own in his flickr account.

Now I feel really bad. Like a major a$$hole. As he does have a few vacation photos posted. A couple of which illustrate what great eye he has and the promise he shows as a photographer if he’d pursue it. However, I understand completely whatever fears and insecurities might hold him back, as I suffer from the same myself.

As I sit in this moment, and I consider the snarky statement written (due to residual anger). It brings up the memory of a moment at dinner with my friend K. about this time last year when I was trying to come to terms with my feelings for D. and his lack of being honest and forthright with me concerning his.

I had just finished a 15 minute diatribe of everything he’d done and not done, how he was emotionally jacking me around, blah, blah blah. K. looked me square in the eye and said, “I’m not really feeling a whole lot of love here. You claim that you think that you love this guy. But, I’m not hearing it.”

“What?!” I said as I looked back at her incredulously, “Then what are you hearing?”

“A great deal of hate.” she said slightly wincing, “Is there anything you really like about this guy?”

“Oh my god,” I replied. “Do I really sound that bad?”

“Uh, yeah!” she said.

We sat in silence for a moment. I then looked into her eyes and said, “There are a great number of things I find very attractive and appreciate about D.”

“Then what are they?” she asked.

I told her I found him very attractive physically but beyond that there was much more. He was smart, funny, and creative. He was reliable and for the most part seemed to be a grounded individual. He didn’t drink or do drugs. He was atypical and quirky and given I myself am that way it felt as though we were kindred spirits in a way as a result.

And she then said, “But…”

“Yeah, I know.” I replied.

She then asked me if I would be able to deal with all of his shortcomings (and mine as well) that were contributing to the impasse and attempt to work through them even though it might possibly destroy the developing friendship as a result. I told her that I thought I might be as I could longer live with the way things were at that particular moment.

So shortly thereafter, I began to push D. ever harder for him to “get honest” with me. Which of course is something he wasn’t able to do; and yes, I’m firmly aware of the fact that’s it’s his inability to be honest with himself which was the cause of that.

As I was running around this morning getting a few last things in preparation for being home-bound this weekend due to the weather, I began to consider what it is that continues to bother me in regard to what happened with D. and why I continue to hold onto such anger.

Of course, there’s the obvioushe hurt me. Therefore, I’m angry. But, I think what bothers me the most is the pretense. It’s the fact that he was so amazingly pretentious with me (and with others no doubt). Probably the reason it irks me so much is that fact that I used be quite pretentious my self. Now, I’m only kinda pretentious. Ha!

How does that old Al-Anon saying go? We’re always most bothered by characteristics in others that remind us of ourselves. How true that can be for me most of the time.

So it would seem I owe D. an apology. It appears he has more courage than for which I gave him credit. There were probably many more moments in the past that were quite similar to this. Moments I could have been better with recognizing and acknowledging his courage to him and/or the lack of mine in such moments.

I’ve thought of making and sending him a Valentine. However, I realize it would be a pointless exercise and further wasted energy.

Well, it looks like the snow has arrived. It’s going to make the next 48 hours very interesting no doubt. I’m hoping to work on the planned self-portrait this weekend and get some other photos ready to upload to flickr. Plus delve into some Tarot-related stuff. And work on some web design projects needing my attention.

Sending you much love!