And if it seems I’m not the one you used to know
Our little friendship left behind not long ago
[I] Don’t feel too hurt
As distance heals the strongest pain
Things are much better now
And just a nagging doubt remains
—from Mirror Man by The Human League

Dearest D.,

I’m meeting S.&M. later this evening at Courthouse to have dinner and catch a movie. Of course, I have little doubt while I’m there it will conjure up your spirit. As the last time I saw you was at Courthouse when having lunch and seeing a movie with S.&M. one weekend last year. If I recollect correctly, it was probably nearly a year to the day that we met up with them to see Frost/Nixon. And of course, true to form you turned into a total freek by the end of that particular moment shared together and refused to allow me walk you to your car as we were saying goodbye. If nothing else, at least you were consistent with your freekish nature.

However, it’s currently me who I’m concerned may become the freek.

As I mentioned in my previous letter, I‘ve been communicating with a gentleman (who I’ll call J.) via email and on the phone for the past couple of weeks who answered a posting I put up on Craigs List. In an email to me last night, he asked me few questions which totally floored me.

So what are you going to do if a guy comes along that is as giving if not more than you? Would you be open to that? What if another man comes along that is willing to go on that ride with you to some of those wacky places you want to go? Are you going to risk it?

Reading those questions nearly took my breath away as he was able to get right to the heart of the matter as to what it is that I’m seeking and have always sought in an intimate/SO relationship. The most fundamental being his question of someone who’d be willing to take the ride to those wacky places I want go. And from the little I’ve gotten to know him, I know he means both figuratively and literally. As we’ve already had discussions about my desire to explore kink in the context of me being the dom as well as places where we’d like to travel. One of mine being to Turkey to see the area where Master Rumi lived with Shams of Tabriz and to visit Rumi’s tomb.

The saddest thing is of course the fact that I thought I’d found such a someone with you. However, as we both know that proved to not be the case. How regretful for the both of us I suppose that you were unable to find the courage to take such an adventure. I continue to laugh when I think of your snarky comment in emails about my self-advertised snippets. Of course, what makes it evermore hilarious is your very own current self-advertised snippets and your obvious inability to meet any of the ideals you claim to seek in your personal ad. But hey, why let that stop you. Right?

It’s funny in his email response per a discussion about you J. mentioned guys like you should come with a warning label. How very true. Have you ever considered getting the biohazard or radioactivity warning symbol tattooed on your forehead? That would most likely serve as the perfect warning for others to stay away. I mean, regardless of all your claims to the contrary isn’t that what you really want? Your behavior with me certainly indicated as much. But then again, maybe I was merely the lucky one and you only feel/felt that way about me.

However, as I have presently jumped down the rabbit hole to step through the looking glass on the other side, I have to turn around and examine my own reflection in the funhouse mirror and consider the questions posed by J. How would I feel and react if I were to find the guy he describes?

My greatest fear. I‘d be the perfect reflection of the attitudes and actions you projected upon me. I’d not be able to appreciate the gifts offered, but rather be mistrustful and attempt to undermine all efforts to provide me the love, care and support I authentically desire and seek. I’d find fault with every little action and attempt to establish a closer relationship rather than accept the love offered without conditions. And why?

Because, despite all of the work I’ve done to heal from damage associated with the circumstance of my childhood. There is still a miniscule part within me, with a *very* loud voice that continues to scream, “Puuuuu-leeeeease. You are so not worthy of being loved in the manner you claim to wish.”

How sad.

I think it’s time to add an old Huna trick to my meditation practice. Which is to add a visualization. I’m thinking something such as jumping down a rabbit hole. Stepping through a looking glass. Turning around and say to the reflection of all my negative self-beliefs in the mirror, “You no longer have power!”  And with a golden hammer smash the mirror. Sweep the shards into a dust pan and drop them into a dust bin next to the mirror. Turn, open a door, and step out into a magical garden filled with flowers and sunshine.

Are you ready for the big storm heading this way? Looks to be a dozy.

As always, sending you much love!