Enjoy the Silence

Dearest B.,

As I mentioned in a letter to MMRFRO the other day, I’ve had a resurgent interest in the Tarot again. As a result, I’ve been doing daily three card readings for the past several days. There have been two common themes this week, one being sorrow and the other being stillness/silence.

This morning I used the OSHO Zen Tarot to do the reading. This deck is one of my favorites. In the reading, the card in the first position (past influence) was the nine of clouds or sorrow (the 9 of swords in a traditional Tarot deck). The card in the second position (current circumstances) was the 7 of water or illusions (the 7 of cups in a traditional Tarot deck). And finally, the card in the third position (or that needing focus) was XVII: Silence (The Star in a traditional Tarot deck).

Now, there are some interesting correlations between the reading done today and the reading that I did on Wednesday 2/3. On that day using the Rumi Tarot the card in the first position was the seven of Rods (or up for the challenge) and the card in the second position was the 9 of swords (or sorrow as the current circumstance). Today Saturday 2/6 the 9 of swords has moved to the past influence position. And the 7 has appeared in the current circumstance position as illusion (or more aptly, the need to shatter and shed illusions).

The book for the OSHO Zen Tarot states the following for XVII: Silence:

The silent mirror like receptiveness of a star-filled night with a full moon is reflected in the misty lake below. The face in the sky is deep in meditation, a goddess of the night who brings depth, peace and understanding. Now is a very precious time. It will be easy for you to rest inside, to plumb the depths of your own inner silence to the point where it meets the silence of the universe. There’s nothing to do, nowhere to go, and the quality of your inner silence permeates everything you do. It might make some people uncomfortable, accustomed as they are to all the noise and activity of the world. Never mind; seek out those who can resonate with your silence, or enjoy your aloneness. Now is the time to come home to yourself. The understanding and insights that come to you in these moments will be manifested later on, in a more outgoing phase of your life.

Boy howdy! Does this card speak to me and my present situation on so many differing levels. I don’t think the clarion call from the Universe could be any louder.

But before I expand on that I just had the most interesting synchronistic experience. As I was sitting here drafting this letter, I received the sweetest SMS from C. saying he wished he was here to keep me warm. Now what’s so unusual about that? Well I’m plugged into the iPerd here as I’m working and just as his SMS came through the song “Blues Away” by Erasure started to play. It’s a song that’s about shattering illusions and letting go. The very subject I was just getting ready to expand upon in this letter. Okay, someone cue up The Twilight Zone theme.

It’s funny each time I have these experience I chuckle and think of a snarky comment made my MMRFRO when I mentioned a similar such experience in an email to him. He stated that he didn’t think people have “superpowers”. The funny thing is there’s nothing “super” about them, natural or otherwise. All it takes is opening one’s mind as such moments happen all the time and all one has to do is pay attention.

It’s funny for someone who supposedly has two degrees both in the creative arts. He has a distinct inability to see life outside of how he believes it to be. I also find it hilarious he once accused me of being only able to see things the way I thought they should be. Obviously, he paid little attention to the individual he was talking with over the seven months we were communicating. Clueless!

So back to my Tarot reading this morning.

First of all, I’m not able to go anywhere this weekend due to the snow storm. So I literally have been put in the situation where I have no choice but to sit still for awhile. There is nowhere to go and nothing to do as the interpretation of the card states.

As to the figurative.

I have reached a point of working my way through the residual feelings and continued energetic attachments with D. that I have no where else to go but deeper to find answers to free myself. Deeper to find the understanding of why I allowed myself to get enmeshed with him even though I saw clear signs of his dysfunction from the very beginning. Deeper to discover why I continually accepted unacceptable behavior from him. Deeper to understand why, as J. mentioned in an email, I allowed myself to agree to the measly little table scraps and crumbs D. threw my way rather than let him go and seek the banquet I richly deserve.

It’s the last sentence in previous paragraph with which I truly must come to terms.

Again as I sit here typing this letter, I’m reminded of something my shrink once said to me as I was working through such a circumstance with a jackass similar to D. He said, “You know it’s probably very flattering and ego gratifying to have a nice looking guy chasing after you. Maybe that’s why he’s keeping you on the hook.” To which of course I snarkily replied, “Like…duh!” I think that’s a lot of what is was with D. While he obviously never gave a rat’s a$$ about me, I’m sure he certainly enjoyed the attention and liked having a nice looking guy fawning all over him.

So enter the silence I shall do…

As always sending you much love!