Let Er Be

Dear Mr. Thompson,

I hope this finds you well. Back in the fall, I caught the screen adaptation of your novel The Rum Dairy and as a result I have become quite fascinated with you and your work. I’ve not had a chance to pick up TRD and read it, but it’s on the list. And let me say, you were quite a hottie in your younger day—but I digress.

While I was having brunch New Year’s day with my friend R., as always seems to happen, we drifted to the subject of relationships and romance. She often shares with me her experiences with her significant other and the various challenges associated with being in a long-term relationship. And I, on the other hand, share about all of my crazy dating adventures as a single gay male which often include my exploits on Craigslist.

However, with our latest conversation, it wasn’t so much my questionable travels through the land of Craigslist hookups that we discussed, but more, the frustrations I’ve experienced with dating through the past several years. I shared with R., as I’ve written about in letters in this blog, something interesting I’ve recently discovered about the men who’ve I gotten to know who are currently (or have been) married. The fact that most, if not all, of these men don’t seem to be filled with the profound self-loathing that many gay men carry and subject themselves (and each other) to.

I went on to further explain that through my experience I’ve discovered there’s an additional circumstance which often develops with gay guys I’ve met who are filled with the typical self-loathing. The situation is that such guys tend to be filled with internalized homophobia as well and will often project their internalized homophobia onto others.

MMRFRO is a perfect example of just such a guy.

He was (and no doubt) still is filled to the brim with self-loathing. Some of it, I’m sure associated with his sexuality, but much of it related to his family of origin and the various circumstances related to his upbringing. And I can say with near certainty that D. is also riddled with internalized homophobia which colors all of his relationships—not only those of a romantic nature. It’s sad really.

But in stark contrast to MMRFRO, I have met several guys over the past couple of years in whom there is a refreshing absence of self-loathing and homophobia.  In fact, from what I can tell they live their lives in a manner that is quite the opposite. Instead of thinking themselves victims of circumstances and situations, they grab life by the proverbial balls and live it to the fullest never considering themselves to be less than or undeserving of such.

It’s truly an inspiration.

As I explained this to R she said, “That’s kind of curious isn’t it? Since most of these guys considered themselves heterosexual for most of their lives, that’s how they formed an identity as an adult.”

“Exactly!” I exclaimed, “And I tell you, not one of these guys, from what I can tell are nearly as screwed up and the number of openly gay men with whom I’ve tried to form a long-term connection.”

“I wonder why this is?” speculated R.

“The only thing I can figure…” I began to offer, “Is that gay men hear such negative messages from nearly the moment of birth with regard to being gay. I can only assume it takes its toll on us in so many ways. It’s taken me years to come to terms with being gay and I continue to have moments of feeling a lack of self-worth due to my sexuality.”

“Wow, that kinda sucks!” R chuckled.

“You’re telling me!” I laughed in return.

Recently I had a minor revelation around an ancillary topic to this and it came from none-other than the biddy biddy blog itself. I was checking the stats the other day and I got a hit from a server name “Prime Directive”. Which lead me to considering ye olde Star Trek universe and the prime directive of such which is “that there can be no interference with the internal development of alien civilizations.”

Now if one takes that concept and adapts it to interpersonal relationships, the prime directive in that context would state there is to be no interference with the internal development of another sentient being. Or in other words, the personal growth of any person cannot be coerced in any way by another. Like the fear and self-loathing I find in many of my gay brethren, this is a difficult subject for me as well.

Because dear Hunter, one of the prime motivators for me due to my personality type is not only to know myself as well as I might and grow as a result. But also I wish to assist others in knowing themselves and to assist them in whatever way possible toward their own personal growth. However, there is a catch in regard to this desire, as there always seems to be one.

And the catch is this; any individual can only grow at his or her own rate. No one, and I mean no one, including me can facilitate a faster rate of growth. This for me at times can be extremely frustrating as I’ve had moments of accelerated growth and very profound healing and would like to assist others in achieving something similar. However, I have to constantly remind myself that even though individuals will often claim they want to change/heal they really have little or no desire to do so.

Instead they would rather stay mired in dysfunction and continue to view themselves as victims.

In that vein, R. shared an amusing story with me in regard to a circumstance between she and her significant other. She tried to point out to him a few things she observed he was doing that might have been less than optimal for him to achieve a certain financial goals he’s set for himself. She mentioned that he got very defensive and the conversation escalated into a heated disagreement. They managed to work through the situation and at the end of the conversation he said, “I know it must be extremely difficult for you to see something that’s perfectly obvious to you and I’m not getting it. But I have to get it in my own time and my own way.”

After R. shared that with me I said, “I totally understand that. However, for me it’s extremely difficult for me to watch someone I care about continually undermine or hurt themselves.”

“I know.” replied R. “At times it’s so difficult to just let it be. Isn’t it?”

Okay Mr. Thompson, it’s time for me to get on with the rest of the day and let things be.