I dream a little dream of you...

Dearest W,

You’ve been on my mind a great deal as of late. So much so that I had the weirdest dream about you the other night. In the dream, I was on the phone with you. I don’t remember what the conversation was about nor any of the details associated with it. However, what I do remember is how vivid the dream and the fact that about halfway through our conversation I realized that I was speaking with you from the other side. When I questioned you about this fact, the line went dead, and I awoke with the strangest feeling about the dream and swearing I could feel your presence in the room.

The reason you are on my mind with such frequency is most likely due to any number of disparate factors. One being your upcoming memorial service. I have been receiving emails from your bother and daughter in regard to the service. For some reason, I’m feeling very ambivalent about it and have come to the decision not to attend. I hope you’ll not be too angry with me and somehow I get the impression that you won’t.

There is of course a bit of irony associated with hearing from your family when I did. You see, the other reason you have been on my mind lately has to do with the Incan-based shamanistic ceremony you turned me onto—despacho making.

The first weekend of October, I was inspired to do a despacho ceremony for varying reasons. One was for my dear friend J. who was to meet a gentlemen, with whom she’d been corresponding on the interwebs, roughly six hours from the moment I chose to do the despacho ceremony. The second despacho I chose to make was for me to attract love and a partner. In a truly misguided moment, I created the despacho with the hope of some how magically reuniting me and MMRFRO, however, since that moment I’ve come to realize it was such a foolish notion to wish such a thing. The last despacho I chose to make was for you and to honor your passing to the other side.

I had a most interesting syncronistic experience in regard to the one that I made for you. Nearly 12 hours (nearly to the second) after making the despacho, I got an email from your brother regarding your memorial service. I nearly dropped the Xoom from laughing when I got the message. As I mentioned at the begining of this letter, I doubt that I’ll attend your service.

I have come to this conclusion as I feel you and I had a relationship that was a) on a level that few ever experience and b) one that so few would understand without experiencing it themselves. So I don’t feel as tho’ I’d feel any kind of connection with your friends and family that will be attending the service. I prefer to celebrate the relationship we had in the connection I feel with you on a daily basis.

The other interesting synchronistic experience which I believe falls under the category of getting what one needs as opposed to what one wants is that I heard from a couple of friends that I’d not heard from in a while a few days after making the despachos. Both of whom wanted to set up a time to come over for massage and little catch up time.

One was a friend, double D., who lives way out in the boonies of western Maryland. We’d been trying for the past couple of month to find a time that would work for him to come over. Ironically, the one day that he was able to make it over was the same day T. was looking to come over as well. So it was a day of back to back massage and yackity shamaticity Saturday before last.

What was nice with double D. this time is that he stuck around after I gave him the massage to take me to dinner. I’ve always felt a little something, something with him. He couldn’t be more my stereotypical type. He’s a little shorter than I am and slightly stocky. Physically he reminds me very much of my first boyfriend J. but a bit taller and a bit broader. But his personality couldn’t be more different. Where J. was very into movies, almost obessively so, D. is not that much into movies and rarely sees any.

It’s funny. Now that I think about it. I’m not sure I’ve ever really discussed with D. what he enjoys regarding entertainment.

While I enjoyed spending the evening with double D. and it was nice to spend some time with him that lended itself to our relationship seeming to be something a little more substantial than a f-buddy type of thing. It was a moment earlier in the evening that had a much more profound effect upon me.

Before we headed out to dinner, we decided to have a little quality time with each other in the sack. We’d barely landed on the bed when double D. pounced on me and began to delicately pleasure me with his lips and tongue in an ever so delightful manner. Shortly thereafter, as I made the effort to change positions so I could return the favor. D pushed me gently back onto the bed and said, “Relax, let me take care of you for awhile.”

I was dumbfounded and at the same time deeply touched by his insistence of taking care of me. It’s very sad to say, but it was the first time in the thirty some years of my adult life that I’ve had someone act in such a manner with me.

But what was to follow, was ever more amazing. As often occurs, I had a difficult time getting there that evening. So much so, I didn’t think it was going happen, however, double D. was ever patient and determined to be successful in his mission. Therefore to facilitate this I decided to engage in fantasy to help me get there. This of course created a bit of a moral quandary within me as I wondered whether it was wrong to use another person to have an orgasm that you desperately wish someone else might provide. None-the-less, I imagined that I was banging the sh*t out of MMRFRO as double D. was pleasuring me.

As a result, I had the most intense orgasm I’ve ever had in my life. It was crazy wild. I could feel an intense heat building up within my body. As I got closer and closer to the edge it was as if I could feel the blood pounding from my heart and coursing through my veins. And when I got to the moment of release, it literally took my breath away. It truly was le petite mort as the French would say.

Maybe the moment I shared with double D. is a prime example of what I need to be looking for in my life. Rather than attempting to find quote/unquote love from one individual. Or in some preconceived form, perhaps instead I should be looking to spend time with guys such as double D. who are good, giving and game as Dan Savage would say. And feel the love in such moments as those.

Food for thought anyway.

As always, sending you much love!