A Perfect Pair

Dearest B.,

The other night, I was once again in the mood for self-flagellation and self-abuse (and not in a good way) therefore my thoughts drifted to MMRFRO. One of the thoughts that bubbled up then and has continued to ricochet with far too great a frequency through my consciousness is something he said on more than one occasion when I responded in quid pro quo to his need to call me on my sh*t.

“I am not perfect.”

What I never expressed to him when he was speaking with me, which in retrospect I suppose it might have been helpful to do so, is that fact of how annoying such a statement is to hear constantly. It’s particularly annoying to hear it from someone who has just taken the opportunity to point out one’s perceived faults or weakness. As my co-worker C. always says when we discuss this particular type of behavior exhibited by guys such as D. WTF?

And as C. and I always joke as a postulate to the question of WTF? Who is perfect?

I know I certainly am not. Presently, I continue to have several shortcomings in any number of various areas of my life.  And rarely am I pretentious enough to behave as tho’ this may not be case. The most profound shortcoming in need of focus and the greatest attention currently is my lack of metta. As I explained in an earlier letter to D., metta in short means “loving kindness”.

Metta is essentially the pith of practice in nearly all schools of Buddhist belief and teaching. The practice of metta should be toward the self, as well as others, including those who may have caused us harm, suffering and pain. It’s the latter group with whom I struggle to feel and show metta. It’s very easy to feel and show loving kindness to those who treat me in a similar manner. However, it’s quite a horse of a different color to show metta to those who may have treated me in a less than kind manner.

There have been a couple of interesting synchronicities in this regard today. For whatever reason, I was drawn to use the OSHO Zen Tarot this morning when doing my daily reading. As with each time I use this deck, this morning I was struck by the great power and wisdom this deck holds. It is quickly becoming one of my favorites.

The card that came up in the card for the day (personal issues that will require attention) position was X. Change. The arrival of this card could not have been more timely or resonate with more intensity in regard to where I am emotionally and spiritually at present.

In the Zen tradition, change is akin to Shoshin or the the beginner’s mind. Such a mind is one that is always open, fresh and seeking what is new. In his book Tarot in the Spirit of Zen, Osho asks:

“How to we become new?and everybody wants to become new. Courage is needed and not ordinary courage; extraordinary courage is needed. And the world is full of cowards, hence people have stopped growing. How can you grow if you are a coward? With each new opportunity you shrink back, you close your eyes. How can you grow? How can you be? You only pretend to be.” (P. 24)

So who have I pretended to be? Zen boyforever calm and in a state of perfect balance and in flow with Tao? He who is a bodhisattva himself always showing the greatest compassion and respect for all sentient beings? I would like to believe some days I do better than merely pretend.

As I mentioned to you in a letter the other day, I am currently in the process of learning and engaging in the practice of the Vajrakilaya. This evening, during my meditation I decided to visualize and connect with the deity to seek guidance with regard to my continued need to create suffering in my mind around MMRFRO.

Vajrakilaya appeared before me in my mediation and began to speak. He asked me why was it that I continue to feel emotions concerning D. I explained that I fell very deeply in love with him and unfortunately that’s not one of those things one can control being human. He indicated he understood and agreed. He then asked me why I continue to feel such anger toward D. I offered it was due to the obvious, the fact that he hurt me as deeply as I loved him. Again he indicated that he understood. He then asked what would be necessary for me to empty myself of this anger I continue to hold.

I told him the only thing I thought might drain the cesspool of anger I currently carry in regard to D. would be to talk with him directly. To have the opportunity to ask him why he felt the need to toy with my emotions and have the moment to share with him directly how much it hurt that he did so.

I further explained that I’ve contacted him once about getting together to talk and have thought of doing it again. However, I’m completely aware for him to agree to meet with me, no less engage in a conversation requiring him to get honest with himself, would require a great deal more courage than he currently, or most likely will ever posses. So I find a way to drain the cesspool on my own.

At that point, Vajrakilaya faded from view without providing any further insight into how this might be achieved. I will need to connect with him again.

In yet another strange synchronicity, this afternoon I got a hit to the blog with this letter via the keyword search “carmina burana wheel of fortune”. In which I wrote about but what?the wheel of fortune and the need for change.

I think the Universe is attempting to send me a message.

Sending you much love!