Funboy:
You are seriously f*cked up.
Would you look in the mirror?
I mean, you need professional help!
-from The Crow

Dearest B.,

It looks like I need to bake up a big old pie with crow filling and cut myself off a slice and consume it with and huge mug of hot steaming STFU. I made a snarky comment the other day in a letter to J. about MMRFRO not having the courage to post photos of his own in his flickr account.

Now I feel really bad. Like a major a$$hole. As he does have a few vacation photos posted. A couple of which illustrate what great eye he has and the promise he shows as a photographer if he’d pursue it. However, I understand completely whatever fears and insecurities might hold him back, as I suffer from the same myself.

As I sit in this moment, and I consider the snarky statement written (due to residual anger). It brings up the memory of a moment at dinner with my friend K. about this time last year when I was trying to come to terms with my feelings for D. and his lack of being honest and forthright with me concerning his.

I had just finished a 15 minute diatribe of everything he’d done and not done, how he was emotionally jacking me around, blah, blah blah. K. looked me square in the eye and said, “I’m not really feeling a whole lot of love here. You claim that you think that you love this guy. But, I’m not hearing it.”

“What?!” I said as I looked back at her incredulously, “Then what are you hearing?”

“A great deal of hate.” she said slightly wincing, “Is there anything you really like about this guy?”

“Oh my god,” I replied. “Do I really sound that bad?”

“Uh, yeah!” she said.

We sat in silence for a moment. I then looked into her eyes and said, “There are a great number of things I find very attractive and appreciate about D.”

“Then what are they?” she asked.

I told her I found him very attractive physically but beyond that there was much more. He was smart, funny, and creative. He was reliable and for the most part seemed to be a grounded individual. He didn’t drink or do drugs. He was atypical and quirky and given I myself am that way it felt as though we were kindred spirits in a way as a result.

And she then said, “But…”

“Yeah, I know.” I replied.

She then asked me if I would be able to deal with all of his shortcomings (and mine as well) that were contributing to the impasse and attempt to work through them even though it might possibly destroy the developing friendship as a result. I told her that I thought I might be as I could longer live with the way things were at that particular moment.

So shortly thereafter, I began to push D. ever harder for him to “get honest” with me. Which of course is something he wasn’t able to do; and yes, I’m firmly aware of the fact that’s it’s his inability to be honest with himself which was the cause of that.

As I was running around this morning getting a few last things in preparation for being home-bound this weekend due to the weather, I began to consider what it is that continues to bother me in regard to what happened with D. and why I continue to hold onto such anger.

Of course, there’s the obvioushe hurt me. Therefore, I’m angry. But, I think what bothers me the most is the pretense. It’s the fact that he was so amazingly pretentious with me (and with others no doubt). Probably the reason it irks me so much is that fact that I used be quite pretentious my self. Now, I’m only kinda pretentious. Ha!

How does that old Al-Anon saying go? We’re always most bothered by characteristics in others that remind us of ourselves. How true that can be for me most of the time.

So it would seem I owe D. an apology. It appears he has more courage than for which I gave him credit. There were probably many more moments in the past that were quite similar to this. Moments I could have been better with recognizing and acknowledging his courage to him and/or the lack of mine in such moments.

I’ve thought of making and sending him a Valentine. However, I realize it would be a pointless exercise and further wasted energy.

Well, it looks like the snow has arrived. It’s going to make the next 48 hours very interesting no doubt. I’m hoping to work on the planned self-portrait this weekend and get some other photos ready to upload to flickr. Plus delve into some Tarot-related stuff. And work on some web design projects needing my attention.

Sending you much love!