That's what it's all about...

Dearest D.,

It’s been a while since I’ve written a letter to you. This mostly due to the fact that I had been trying very hard not to give energy to the thoughts and feeling of resentment which so often seem to surface when my mind begins to wonder and focus upon you for lack of more productive things to consider. Because as we both know, such thoughts and feelings have little or no effect upon you. But rather, poison my state of mind and leave me feeling crappy about myself as well as overall. However, as of late thoughts of you have once again been coursing through my cranium at an accelerated pace—this due to a couple of things.

Firstly, this is the time of year we met. Actually, either yesterday or the day before may even be the exact day you first showed up at my doorstep. As I have mentioned to you as well as others, no doubt, in letters here and elsewhere anniversaries (for better or worse) have a very profound affect upon me. They elicit a response whether by my will or though I may not be aware of it. And as so many folks would today say, egged on by such pop-psych gurus as Dr. Pill, “That’s just me. That’s just the way that I am!”

And secondly, my friend J. mentioned you in an email a couple of months ago. It seems she’s been talking with a gentleman in the UK and there is speculation that he may know you through a group dedicated to an esoteric alphabet known as Shavian. This alphabet created by none other than the gentleman who is often credited (correctly or not) with creating the word ghoti—George Bernard Shaw. Perhaps you are indeed part of a super secret society devoted to furthering Mr. Shaw’s mission and that was the mystery you kept shrouded and close to your vest when I queried you as to the meaning of your screen name and the unusual use of ghoti as part of it.

I should have know your absolute refusal to share such innocuous and the most pedestrian of details about yourself was the first sign doom in our ill-fated friendship. But I digress.

I don’t know whether you’re acquainted with J.’s friend or not. However, I must say if so, I would find the connection to be as cosmically (and comically) ironic as intriguing as it would add more credence to my theories concerning quantum mechanics. Regretfully, there is little chance I will never know if there is such a connection as you surely never will tell me so given you’re no longer speaking with me.

Pity.

And thirdly, I have been thinking about you a great due to a book I began to read the day before yesterday. It’s a book entitled Countdown to Coherence written by a woman named Hazel Courtney. I discovered Ms. Courtney and her book while listening to her being interviewed in an episode of a favorite podcast, “Explore Your Spirit with Kala”. I was immediately taken with Ms. Courtney and her story and shortly after listening to the interview downloaded the sample of her book available through the Amazon Kindle store.

This particular book by Ms. Courtney, an accomplished journalist and author, is in a similar vein of The Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield and the Peaceful Warrior series of books by Dan Millman in that it’s a first person narrative account of a stark spiritual crisis she experienced and the insights she gained afterward as part of a re-awakening process. I love reading such stories as it’s a reminder of my own experience in regard to a similar spiritual crisis several years ago as well as my own re-awakenings along the way. Because, as Ms. Courtney writes about in her journey, unfortunately a part of the human experience is to far too often fall back into moments of spiritual slumber. That’s why it’s called a spiritual practice.

In the second chapter of her book, Ms. Courtney writes about being introduced to the work of a gentleman named Gary Renard and the third chapter tells of an interview she has with him. As part of the interview, and as part of a conference of his she attends, Mr. Renard tells her one of the two most important spiritual practices she must be mindful of at all times is forgiveness. And as part of an exercise of the practice she comes to realized how unable she is to forgive others.

Prompted by reading of Ms. Courtney’s experience, I decided to undertake the exercise myself. Knowing you are an individual whom I need to forgive, I imagined you in front of me. And while I was able to imagine myself telling you that I forgive you verbally. As I tried to dig deeper and feel a similar forgiveness in my heart, I couldn’t. All I could continue to feel is a deep-seated anger and hurt in regard to what happened.

As I’ve attempted to examine these feelings and come to an understanding as to why the anger and hurt continues to linger. I believe it’s two things, as I’ve no doubt expressed to you before, the fact that you blatantly lied to me and that you so obviously used me. On helium.com Jerrie Lynn South-DeRose states “Lying creates fissures in the foundation of the relationship in that the person who has been lied to begins to question the quality and validity of said relationship and whether they can continue to trust their partner.” And in that statement I believe is the answer to quandary. I trusted you. You misused that trust and I find myself nearly incapable of trusting another guy though I’d like to attempt dating once again and possibly find a partner though chances of such are quite slim. However, a boy can always remain hopeful.

But for today, I work toward finding a way to forgive you.

As always, sending you much love!